Nur Zakuan
writing to a non-audience pleases me.
August 2007 September 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009
fuckin helllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
i am in such a shitty mood.
its INCREDIBLE
fanFUCKINtastic
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i so wana scream but i cant
so this wil hav to do
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i . hate. this. shittttttt.
"Eeee, don't la be so emo. I'm so happy. You gotta be too, k?"
"Mmm..."
Bee was tryin to get me into this jolly NYE mood but ugh.
i am just not in the mood.
my moodswings macam babi sial.
one minute damn hyper.
next, damn emo.
can u believe it? i'v actually thought of stayin home tonite. instead of partying it out.
w. t. f.
maybe it's cos i'm the only idiot who is stuck in the office at 4:43pm on NYE
-_-
how depressing.
and to make things worse. my office is in cyberFUCKINjaya?!
its gona take me a while to get back, despite the new highway and all.
they have decided that they want to go to town - zouk, jln ampang to be precise.
why why why why why?
its going to be rempit haven ++ there, ok. PLUS. they wana walk around.
that means.
no heels. n preferably nothin too nice so as to not attract the attention of those bikeriders from hell.
grrr
i is not a happy bunny.
BUT
for the sake of other ppl. i will put up with it.
OH.. and to top it all off. this bastard at work just IMs me saying how he is only passing me his shit at 6pm. there goes my plan of leaving early.
JUST ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN GREAT
last day of the year
the morning was great
now. i . am . just. plain. annoyed.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
age: 24
employment status: yes. rather well. its a stepping stone.
friends: yes. plenty.
family: not your average.female dominated.
height: still growing. i swear.
weight: increasing exponentially.
in my head: too much and too little. at the same time.
in my heart: nothing. no one. in particular.
you have this image of yourself when you are young.
go back to those times.
when you were young. carefree. oblivious to the troubled world around you. oblivious to the drama that would soon find its way to your doorstep.
is life really supposed to be this complicated? there is no black. nor is there white.
its all...GREYwhen i was young. i imagined thatat age 17i would be all grown up. taller. look older.but . i wasn't. i was still mega short & scrawny & looked 14. at age 18-20id be studyin overseas at some university, having the time of my life. but. i stayed home. to take care of mom & save $$ for Nisa to go instead. at age 23i'd be all grown up. with a steady job. on my way to the whole gettin hitched thing. ok. i got the job thing right. but the whole grown up & getting hitched. hah! boy oh boy. we shall not even dream of venturing there at this point in time. " i wana have kids. but.. i can do without the
husband"" all men are bastards. i hate men. screw em
all'" go adopt or go to a sperm bank"" i have absolutely no time nor interest in
love . my career comes
first" i hear such things all the time. i'd have to say.i concur. the idea has crossed my mind before. the idea of. skipping the whole marriage thing altogether. its all too... idealistic. too... fantasy-like. how can it be real? how did they do it? the older generation. how can you want to settle down before you have done it all, seen it all? how can you settle? pray, enlighten me. for i do not see how it could be so appealing. you have your entire life to do that shit. why start now? ++this year. i have learnt how to be myself. how to love myself. how to love being myself. they say that, it's when you love yourself, that only then, others will learn to love you too. you know what. they may be right. but that's not the point. nurul and i wanted to do this year different. we did. a WHOLE LOT. 2004-2006 were stagnant. stale. boring.2007. i learnt how to live. to exploit my youth. i set out to do the things i'v always said i would. i've always thought n dreamt of doing. and though i did not exhaust the list. i came close. i am happy. i am satisfied. there is more to see. more to do. more to come.going back to a year ago. who wouldv'e thought i'd end up like this. a year later.i can't wait for this time next year. things change at the speed of light. me?i'm chasing the light.*rawr*
its boxing day ... and im at work
-_-
wtf rite?
head. ache. hung.over.xxxhaustedddd. ugh. double ugh.
started drinkin at the same time i started cookin yesterday. noon. passed out at sometime past 2 i reckon. all my love to diane & fiz for puttin me to bed n attemptin to feed me cos i hardly ate anything the whole day.
it happens tho. the cooks/hosts never end up eating. but drinking boleh la. haha. standard mandard , according to christine.
but we had a blast tho. at least i did. i derived the most pleasure from watchin others enjoy the food we toiled over to prepare. i enjoy cooking. i just hate the prep (choppin n shit) and the cleaning up. i DESPISE the cleaning up.
shit.im hungry.
anyway. there was some pretty interesting stuff said yesterday.
my aunt - " i get really hot when i drink wine"
ok. my memory fails me.
there were more.
but i just cant remember....
half of what happened last night.
that alcoholic punch really did more than a coupla ppl in.
includin some lil old lady friends of my mom & esp my aunt & 2 cousins. haha.
comel-ness.
ok. i dont feel like bloggin anymore.
fotos later.
i am. yes.
iv driven a total of 109km as of 8:30am this morning. its 2pm now *grins*
so i went a bit gila gila la today. JUST cos there is this brand-spankin-super-duper-omg-im-so-in-love-w-it highway*sighs*Tagline:- KL -> Putrajaya , 30 minsi made it in 20. flat. from palate palette (behind istana hotel, right smack in town during Friday office lunch hour) to my office carpark (cyberjaya) fuiyohif only i had one of those need for speed kinda cars. but its ok. i made my lil kembara vrooom all the way. haha. twas fun.plus, now no toll cos they're still testing. so , why not? drive to KL to hav lunch with my twin & back again?who says i can't?'There is no 'Queen of Lunch'' as Dave my traveller-all-around-crazy-party-animal neighbour colleague put it. 'It's your lunch. You can go have it & do whatever you want'. SO i did. I drove to KL & back. He had a beer. You see :) And everyone is happy :D okla. i was a tad bit stressed for a while before i reached my destination (PP) cos I got stuck in a stupid jam along Jln p.ramlee. ugh! BUT... all was well as soon as I reached. It's been a while since we had some alone twin timeWHICH reminds me...she is so supposed to design my tattoo for me. I have been givin her absolut shit for the past week, ever since Chris got her baby dragons done on her arms. *drools*I NAAAAAAAAAAAAK !*sulks*i know she doesnt read my blog, but still. im gona complain about her puttin other 'projects' ahead of ME here nevertheless. grr! so much for 'family' huh miss Twin?ok. i should work. like really. tra la la. shiva's back tonite...............yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooThis was us... last summer. when i had my frooooo yo!
a recent conversation in my car
eh, i think there's something wrong with your cd playerla
huh? nola.where got?
there are these beeping scratchy sounds, sorta like static
*2 seconds for it to sink in*
oi! thats the song laaaaa
the cd - Justice - Cross
-_-
and yet again...
this time with my mom
Hey, did you take this cd from my room
Yeah, its mine. Think I left it in your car a few weeks ago
Ya, I know. but I'm using it la
Whaaaaaaaat? What for?
As part of this Xmas skit I'm directing
o_O
what is this world coming to?
i just HAD to say this.
there is a Santa Claus waltzing around in my office. *breathing in and out excitedly* weaving in between cubicles. attracting weird ass stares. *breathing in and out even more* going 'ho ho ho'. giving out candy canes from a big ol red sack.
*pause*
eeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
i love this whackhouse of an office.
and in half an hour. i gota go put on an xmas hat. and dress Shahrin up as the snowman. for our dept's rendition of Jason Mraz's 'Winter Wonderland' for the Office Inter-Dept Christmas Carol Competition.
how can one not get bitten by the festive Xmas bug, i ask you?
oh FUCK.
i forgot to bring my camera -_-
so do humans. iv recently learnt of some rather new but old news. i must say it didnt surprise me altogether, but the timing & the manner in which the subject matter was brought up, did, slightly. its funny. how people come together. odd little groupings of humans who somehow connect. random meetings. underlying similarities. chemistry. its about being on similar wavelengths, i believe. sometimes you just meet people whom you instantly find a connection with. other times, that connection has to be forged over time & with much effort. i know im random. i also know that he will never read my blog. but i do want to say this to him.i am proud of you.it took courage. lots.and i'm glad you did. cos now i can tell you that. i'm just like you too.
nothin ever quite turns out the way you want em to. and that just about sums up the past week for me. which then pushes me further into believing that i should just go with the flow & forget about making plans. plans = expectations = most commonly
disappointmenthence. do. not. plan.and. you. shall .not. get. hurt/annoyed/all of the abovei had my whole weekend planned out. i was SPSED to play paintball. i was SPSED to go swimming.i was SPSED to alotta things with a lotta ppl. instead.ok fine. i did play paintball. on friday for the stupid world cup asia. bleah bleah double bleah. to cut the long story short, we voluntarily dropped out of tournament based on a business decision. we could've played on. but we chose not to. you see. i had expectations of playing paintball all weekend & doing well. it didn't happen = i was disappointed to say the least. lets push those thoughts away. and on to happier thoughts. but everything happens for a reason, so they say. and so i do believe. i ended up . takin these 2 absolutely fantastic new friends - 2 swedish backpacker girls, whom id just met less than 24 hours before, out + about KL the whole day, playin shopping guide & having pure happy-go-lucky fun. asso cool ! (yay, i speak swedish)and to add to that. i've been acting rather outa character as of late. eg #1 i left the WILD party early . at midnight. i usually arriv at midnight. AND. i didn't drink. AT ALL. WHAT . THE . FUCK. i was trying to test my self will + discipline cos i was playing paintball the next day.eg#2i left TAG early the next night. at 2am. ok fine. i did drink this time. eg#3i checked out BOYS . i NEVER check BOYS out. none worth checking out is usually the case. aah. i am starting to scare myself. maybe i need a beer.
ok. so i nearly poisoned my boss.
*pause for dramatic effect*
ok. fine. maybe not POISONED. but, yeah.
tah-pau-ed chicken rice for her.
as per my normal practice, i didnt open it up to inspect her food.
why should i? its the right dish. so ok la.
brought it back. she had lunch. all is fine and dandy.
then she comes up to me.
Boss: So Nur. Just curious where did you get the food from?
Me: Err.. some coffeeshop in Seri Kembangan.. *first set of alarm bells start to go off in my head*
Boss: So.. the chicken was good. the rice was good.
Me: and... ? *where is this going? what? did i accidentally order pork for her? god, my chinese must REALLY suck*
Boss: And just as I was about to have the last 3 spoonsful. I turned over the chicken and..
Me: *alamak, die la now*
Boss: I found fur :D on the chicken wing!
Me: Urks! i, i, i ... oops?
so yeah. she laughed it off.
so one week i get on her bad side. yesterday i got back in her good books. and today i tried to poison her.
haha. i'm so gonna get a raise now.
this weekend is scheduled to be a LONG HARD one.
heck. its already started.
went for capoeira last nite. woke up aching + loving it. cant wait for more next week.
managed 3 hours of sleep.
tonight - Inaugural WILD party.
HAVE. TO. GO.
even for a short while.
then tomorrow - World Cup Asia Paintball Tourny that my team is competing in.
what that means is - wake up at half six.
fuck. hardly any sleep again.
then TAG at nite.
IF..... i am still standing by the end of the evening.
thank God for saturday. but im sure something will prop up.
something always does.
and then the final bits of the world cup on Sunday.
The best friends birthday dinner that evening.
And yippee kah yay.. work again on Monday.
So altogether now...
D-I-E
tell me. why do i do this to myself again?
oh right. i feel alive.
didn't i do this earlier?
it's been so long.
and it feels so good.
its about bloody time.
i'm gonna do it again.
god,it feels good...
to sweat
*drip*
and YES again! :)So after a week of gettin on the wrong side of my boss , which resulted in her givin me the cold shoulder ( to which I was not particularly bothered cos I myself was preoccupied with my incessant coughin & misc ailments), she has finally come around this week & yay yay for me, it's all good again. So work is going pretty good despite having a rough start to the week on Monday morning. GOD. now that was BAD BAD BAD. everything that could have gone wrong with my training session at this so-not5-star-but-will-continue-claiming-it-is hotel which I shan't name, did. PLUSsome good for nothing scum of the earth managed to get on my nerves by throwing baseless accusations at me for no reason. Only to receive a curt response in return from your's truly. Such nonsense has no place in my life. Received an apology this morning. HAH. nah, ambik kau. kimak. ok. enough about work. Lest I end up blogging like Lainie does. HAHA. YES lainie, i know you've read my blog. And even better than that, I know you've blogged about me in a manner which to you, might be 'discrete', but left me going.. "wat the..." because it was SO obvious it was me la. ish! *pinch*and the final YES! Cos I'm FINALLY off my meds. i actually finished an entire course of antibiotics. an achievement to say the least. and so now.. i can go back to drinking full time again.aah. life is just the way its supposed to be.
how the hell i get to work in the mornings driving the way i do.half asleep. pinching myself. attemptin to sing to my steering wheel. munchin on crackers. tryin to call ppl so they can talk to me so i wont fall asleep.frankly. ITS SCARY. like muthafuckinsuperduperlyholycrap kinda scary. same for when i drive home from work on those long never ending highways.and when i drive home from clubs when its too late.oh god. i HATE driving when im sleepy. HATE. HATE. HATE. so next time i ask you for a lift. please oblige and save my life. Thank You.
ya so im in one of those, 'goddammit-i-duno-wat-to-do-with-myself' moods again.
its been a while.
but here i am again.
so much to do. so much to say.
yet.
i sit here doing nothing.
call it a lack of inspiration, if you may.
xmas is around the corner.
someone.
anyone.
inspire me.
i dare you.
So there. I love you too. BITCHso i've decided.
to take it one inch at a time.
*smackkkkkkk*
what was that for you say?
JUST IN CASE
cos i know what kind of thoughts went zippin across that abyss of filth you call your brain.
ooh, nasty.
but no, really.
in this context, i mean, blogging. one tiny inch of blog at a time.
God ( along with many of you out there) knows the extent of my laziness, so really.
And the almost obligatory feeling , subject of the inherent bugging from certain parties to update my 'blog' ( should I even be calling this one? ) , just serves to make me, so not want to write in it even more.
ISH.
thing is, i'v always so much to say.
for one.
you irk me when you ... gossip & bitch about celebs like them gossip columns or Channel Godforsaken 'E' is the holy gospel of truth.
it annoys me & makes me wonder if there really isnt anything better to banter on about.You don't know them. You will most probably never meet them. Their life decisions, or hairstyles will never affect you, per se.
And, may I add
They are making more $$ than you. So that means that they must've done something well. If not, better than you. So what if they are not picture perfect poster pin up girls/boys with no skeletons in their closets & a happy dandy personal life.
Neither do you.
A little ' OMG, she shaved her head bald' or, 'yeah, they're married & have a kid now' sorta gossip is unavoidable, I do admit. For to say that i NEVER speak of em would be a downright lie.
I do NOT however, indulge in lengthy, overly animated/enthusiastic , OMG im talking about her like I do my boss or mother-in-law , discussions or even debates because its all so... FAKE & pointless.
A note to add.
Read Joyce's blog (along with half of Malaysia and more , is my guess) today and empathised with her current 'situation'.
What I have to say.
People hate you cos you are popular.
They hate you because they want what you have.
And they hate you because they realise that as much as they'd like to be you. They can't.
HAHA.
i've had my fair share, ever since those pre-pubescent days.
You cant live to please everyone.
Found something on Facebook that i Liked.
I agree.